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Paggie

My Mindfulness Practice

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Day 63: Tranquil Body Scan Meditation

What would you do if you were approached on a busy street by a well-dressed stranger who said he'd lost his wallet and asked apologetically if you could give him $9.85 to buy a train ticket?

I would actually search my wallet and find a $10 note to the stranger.


What if instead you were approached for a handout by a haggard-looking stranger claiming to be hungry and unable to find a job?

I believe him being hungry and unable to find a job. It is not his fault, especially this is a pandemic world. A lot people has lost their job and income pillar. I also believe there are company that is looking for hiring. I have a few positions on hand to help this stranger for an interview.

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Day 64: Self-Compassion Break

If you could gain any one ability or quality you admire in someone else, what would you choose?

I choose discipline. I admire how Shan has the persistence to keep one habit and make it long lasting. He is a finisher. Once commit, he makes sure you go to the end. 

Do you think you could develop that ability or quality just by working at it?

I can see myself being persistence. I am a stubborn woman. However, I also aware there is a difference between stubborn and persistence. Being stubborn is like being a forced donkey and insist everything must be right in order to "work" a certain way. Persistence is a being like water, knowing where to go and flow as it is. I can work on being persistence. I just need help on fighting temptation.

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Day 65: Doing Nothing

Would you rather play a game with someone less or more skilled than you?  Would your answer be different if others were watching?

I want to play with someone more skilled than me. If there are someone watching the game, I will want to play with someone less skill than me. I love to learn from a master. When comes to another witness watching the game, I would prefer to be seen as a master.


How would it feel to always describe yourself as ordinary, no better or worse than most others?  Would it be a relief or a disappointment to realize it was actually true?

I feel small when the voice of me not being good enough to elevate work performance with excellence. It is a mixed feeling to know it is true. I feel like I can breathe by acknowledging my weakness. I also feel disappoint that I can do better than this.

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Day 66: Tenderness

If you knew you were destined never to achieve anything of real importance, how would it change your goals and attitudes?  What if you knew you were destined for great things but didn't know what?

If I am never to achieve anything of real importance, I would change myself to be making difference to one person at a time. No need to be big and loud. Just small wins of living daily.

If I am destined for great things, it will only happen because I am consistently making changes to people day by day. It is the greatest things to move community and eventually the world. One step at a time. 


What in your life do you think will seem most meaningful when you look back many years from now?

The meaningful part, would be the one I attended 3-level trainings and met the man I am going to marry. It changed tremendously how I am viewing and living my life now. I am growing to be the best woman I ever knew. 


What do you think you'll regret when you look back?

I regret to keep declaring my words to public of what I am going to do. I must fully aware of my capability and resources on hand, before creating uneasy pressure to people and especially myself.

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Posted (edited)

Day 67: Letting Go Of Seriousness

Would you rather die peacefully among friends at age 50, or painfully and alone at age 80?

I think the question is dying with love, or dying with you know that you are leaving a legacy. I am prefer to die knowingly I am making this world a better place to live for my kids. 

Edited by Paggie
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Day 68: Getting Lost & Coming Back

If you could work half as much as you do now and keep the same pay, or work just as hard as you do now and get twice the pay, which would you choose?

I would like to work half as much as I do and keep the same pay. So I can free up the time to do what I passionate about and get paid from it too!

Day 69: Dullness and Anger

Do you feel comfortable going to dinner or movies alone?

Yes. I am very comfortable to go places by myself, alone.


Would you rather be by yourself in such a situation or with someone you only marginally enjoy?

I rather be by myself than being with someone I only enjoy borderline. Either all in or all out.

Day 70: Counting Each Exhale

If you could travel into the past but not return, would you?  Where would you go and what would you try to do if your goal was to reshape history?

Nope. I enjoy the present, even with pandemic. I like internet. I enjoy technology-convenient.

How do you think today's world might be different if you were able to make such a change?  Would you be surprised if the long-term consequences of your intervention were bad?

Today's world might or might not be changed with my interference of the past. I surely do believe in butterfly effects. Still, it can go either the world is a better place to live in, or a worse circumstance for human to live life.

Day 71: Standing & Walking Meditation

When was the last time you felt real excitement and passion in your work?  What about your life in general?  How important is passion to you?
The last time I felt the excitement, was when I wake up at 5am and get things done. I guess, I am at the point of my life of losing the rein too much. I layback and relaxed, not wholeheartedly. Pretty much in the between of "let's get things moving" and " I want to disconnect from the world". My passion is super important to me, as it is a constant fire that breathe life, enjoy and bask in the richness of the world. It is a abundance feeling.

Day 72: Drink Your Joy

You're with friends at an icy mountain lake on a warm sunny day.  If you knew it'd be a harsh, bracing shock to jump in, but that later you'd be refreshed and glad you'd done it, would you take the leap?

Yes. I definitely love to take that leap. I love that adrenaline to jump and feel absolutely great that I overcome that fear.

Day 73: Twenty Minute Meditation - With Just Bells

If you could end cigarette smoking by releasing a pathogen what would kill every tobacco plant in the world, would you?  What - if anything - about doing this would most trouble you?

I would do and kill it for the sake of humanity biological and environmental health. Cigarette smoking is disgusting and unhealthy to people around smokers. However, there are also consequences in psychological state. I wonder if I took out smoking from the world, human will find something else to replace and stop the itch of crave / addiction. That's the side effect I would feel troubled.

Day 74: Don't Pick It Up & Don't Reject It

Is it hard for you to ask for help?  If so, what about it bothers you the most?

Yup. I admit that it is hard for me to ask for help. I feel like getting help is a weakness. I still learning over time to seek for support of things I unable to handle by myself.

Who would you turn to if you needed help?  Why?  Do you think that person would think of you if they were in a fix?

I always turn to my boyfriend and family for help. They are the closest and I trust them. And yes, if anything happened, my boyfriend and family also reaching out to me for help.

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Day 75: Gladdening the Mind

What are the most important things (excluding children) you've brought into the world that would not exist without you?

I would say I brought change in my boyfriends' life. I am being pride in relationships. How I've overcome and also make a difference in their life. I've been a bitchy woman, also been the kindest woman they ever met. My existence has shift my exes view on women and what they are looking in one. Not all stories are good, but it leads me to my fiance. 

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Day 76: The 3 Minute Breathing Space Meditation

Is there something you've dreamed of doing for a long time but haven't?  Why haven't you?  Is it better to have dreams that may never come to pass, or to stick with those that can be readily achieved?

I have a dream to find out the story about my ancestors. It hasn't actualised since 13 years old. It constantly coming to my mind recently about this. I haven't do it, because I felt like it is a long term commitment and I feel like I need to fulfill my financial survival needs before dive into this project.

How much better would your life be if your dreams came true?  What dreams have you already achieved?

My life will be so rich. So much story and I am carrying my ancestor spirit to walk on this Earth, this lifetime. The dream has come true when I met my boyfriend (soon-to-be fiance), a fulfilling career path and outstanding community around me. I'm blessed.

Day 77: Letting Go of Judgment

If you knew that devoting yourself to an all-consuming occupation - music, writing, acting, business, politics, or medicine - for 20 years would make you one of the best in the world at it, would you?  If so, which would you choose?

I would choose acting. I love to experience different life. And acting, is like I get to experience it all. 

If you knew that such laser focus would give you a shot at success, but no guarantee, would you still go for it?

Yes. Laser focus is important. A shot at success is better than zero success.

Day 78: Beautyful

In what period since you were a teenager did you have the most personal growth and change?

I have most growth when I turned 13. From all Chinese school, stepping into multi-racial high school. It changed and open my sight of new worldview and experience.

If you wanted to have another such period, what could you do to bring it about or otherwise shake up your life?

I am having an Indian boyfriend and exposing myself to this new culture is eye-opening for me constantly. I have always stayed curious to experience it all.

Day 79: Nourishing Your Body With Attention

If you could wake up tomorrow in the body of someone else and assume his or her life, would you do it?  If so, who would you pick?  What if you'd become the real you again in a month? or a year?
I would like to wake up as my dog, Boss. In terms of trading, I would like to provide a voice to my dog to speak his mind. I also will see things through his body, his eyes, only for a day.

Day 80: Letting Thoughts Come Come and Go

When did you last cry in front of another person? to yourself?

The last time I cried was last weekend, in a ZOOM class. It was an exercise of mirror neuron. I can totally feel his pain and tears run. 

Day 81: Twenty Minute Meditation - Just Bells With Intervals

If you could place yourself anywhere on a scale from 1 to 10, where 1 is having security and comfort and goals within easy reach, and 10 is taking risks, struggling, and reaching for great achievement, what number would you like to be at, and why? Where are you now?

I am at a 7. I would like things to be at 3, because a lot of things will get done and make a difference in wider places than I am now. I do not choose 1 and 2, because once things gets too easy, I will get bored and achieve nothing. The only thing I see what is stopping me now, is my energy of incompletion and belief that I am not worthy. I am still learning everyday to love and accept where I am now.

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Day 82: Self-Compassion Meditation

If what you owned had no bearing on what people thought of you, would you spend your money differently?

Nope. Actually, I am living and owning my life without taking consideration of what people thought of me. They do have opinion. I just don't really care them. The few opinions I would listen to, are people I respect and love. In this way, then yes, I do spend my money differently.

Day 83: Forgiveness

After a medical examination, your doctor calls and says you have a rare lymphatic cancer and only a month to live. A week later, she informs you that the lab test was wrong and you're perfectly healthy. Do you think the insights from having to face death this way would be worth the pain?

I think, nothing is coincidence. It feels like truth appearing as joke from universe. If I have one month to live, I would live my live the exact same way as I am now. I feel like, I am already facing death everyday. I just don't let the fear of death stops me from living my life.

What life changes do you think a close brush with death might provoke for you?

If I really have to die in one month, I will quit my full time job. I have enough money to live one month. I will continue to conduct my morning fitness club. I spend more time with family, talk to as many friends I have ever met. The only regret, I do not get to grow old with my boyfriend.

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Day 84: Guided Meditation With Sound

If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about any one thing about yourself, life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know, and why?
I would like to know my own future. Because it is fluid. Not set in stone. I still can change or remain what is needed to be done in the present moment

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Day 85: Lake Meditation

When you do something ridiculous, how much does it bother you to have other people notice it and laugh at you? What's the funniest thing about you?
I'm not really bothered if anyone would laugh at me. The funniest thing about me, would be when there I am re-telling an embarrassing event over and over again. In time, from shame, it becomes I am owning the story and find it very funny looking back.


When is the last time you really laughed at yourself? What was so funny?

The last time I laugh at myself, is when I was with my fiance last night. We were talking about his way of conveying message, I cried because I was frustrated. I do not know what he wants when he switching between "There's no need to get me a phone" and "There's no one love me enough to buy me a phone". Then suddenly a light bulb moment! His confused messaging looks exactly like my mom! I started to laugh instead of crying. I am marrying my mom! My fiance also burst into shy emotion. We had a great time laugh about this realisation.

Day 86: Loving Kindness

If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
Physical punishment. 


In what ways will you treat your children differently from how your parents treated you? If you've already raised children and could do it again knowing what you know now, what would you change?

I will ban any form of physical punishment (caning, slap at thighs or butt, etc) for my kids. I won't deny that when raising kid, disciplinary actions is still needed for their growth. As parents, I am like a gardener. I am growing my kids, not constructing the way they are growing. Allow them to grow where they want to grow as. 

Day 87: Paying Attention

Do you believe in God? If not, do you think you might nonetheless pray if you were in a life-threatening situation?

I do not actually believe in God. I believe in higher self that guide me in this path. If I were in a life-threatening situation, I might pray to every being I know, to save the people I love, in exchanging of my life instead.

Day 88: The Power of Gratitude

Which would be worse: having to leave the country and never return, or never being able to travel more than 150 miles from where you now live?

Worse: Leave the country and never return. I love where I am living here and now. I do not want to leave the community I am supporting, the family I am building.

Day 89: Not Clinging

If your friends and acquaintances were willing to honestly tell you what they thought of you, would you want them to? What do you think they might say?
I like honest talk. I prefer to know where I am actually am, to check in myself and what I can commited to create to this world. I think they will say I am one of the most persistent woman they met, how I am being the best of me, and also how I am impacting them in life in good and bad way.


How much energy to you spend trying to impress others? Does it bother you when people like you because they think you have qualities you don't actually have?

I would say, there are moments I would try to impress people I respect. If they seeing me to have certain quality I do not have, I would either disappointed in them, or losing faith in me.

Day 90: Is That So

Would you make a substantial sacrifice have any of the following: your picture on a postage stamp; your statue in a park; a college named after you; a Nobel Prize?
Wow. I used to have this urge, to put my name on a street. Now, I do not feel I need this to happen.


How much does fame impress you? Have you ever made a big sacrifice for someone and kept it to yourself? Which means more to you: knowing you've done something amazing or being recognized for doing it?
Fame impress me in a way like "Wow, you have 24k followers!" I made sacrifice to my ex, and I just kept it to myself as I do not think it is a gift of giving to be glorified. However, in my work, career, relationship with family and friends, I like to be recognised.

Day 91: Journey of 3 Breaths

Do you work harder to earn praise and recognition or to avoid criticism?

I actually realised I prefer to avoid criticism, and hence, not working hard to earn the titles.


Do you dispense more criticism or praise?
I give praise to people more than critic. However, the praise are not sugar coated. I say as it is, the truth of the one person's power. 

Day 92: Having A Sky-Like Mind

If you could let someone know your every thought and feel your every feeling for a week, who, if anyone, would you be willing to open up to so completely? Do you think they'd like you less or more at the end of the week?
I would like to open up to my mom, because I afraid to open up to her. If for a week, she knows everything thought, feeling that is happening on me, will my mom be compassionate about me? I am afraid she will like me less when I am being completely naked in that way.


If people knew the real you - your weaknesses and failings, your strengths and successes - do you think their opinions of you would change much? What would surprise them the most?

I don't think it will change much views as I am living who I am. Maybe perhaps the people I know are lesser than I thought. My crazy sex stories are not a surprise story to anyone anymore.

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Day 93: Tonglen Meditation

If you were relatively happily married, had no kids, and met someone you knew would always bring you passionate, intoxicating love, would you leave your spouse? What if you had young children?

I am not leaving my spouse. Not because obligation or duty. Because I love him. We have come so far to be out best self for each other. I feel like, if I really do meet the someone who brings passionate love, it is just a temporary phase for me. The one that stays, always are my fiance.

Day 94: 30 Minute Silent Meditation With Bells

When has your life changed dramatically as the result of some seemingly random influence or occurrence?
My life change dramatically when I enrolled into National High School. A place that mixed with different race and culture. I came from a traditional Chinese family and graduated from All Chinese Primary School. We have learnt different races on the textbook, but to immerse myself into the real life difference, I had a hard time adapting too. However, I came through. It was the most wonderful years of my life.


Do you think that living as if you control your own destiny is a good idea? Do you live that way?

Yes and no. I am in total control of my own destiny and no, I am not the controller of my destiny. I make conscious choice when coming into control my destiny. The results are measurable and I know what will happen if I persist in making conscious choices. For example, I choose to wake up 5am daily to workout, meditate and journalling, to create a result of living a healthy life.

For what I meant that I am not the controller of my destiny, is that I do not know what will happen tomorrow. I allow my life to live as it be, like a putting myself in the vast ocean, and knowing fully that I am the driver of my life.

Day 95: Practicing With Imagination

Would you be willing to forgo all use of the Internet for 5 years if your sacrifice meant that someone would permanently provide for 1,000 children, saving them from starvation?
Wow. I want to do that if it is real. However, I also know that I can't live without internet. So, no. I'm not willing to let go the use of internet.


Would you still do it if you also had to give up texting, email, phone, and TV?
Nope. Still holding on to any form of communication.


What if instead you had to give up dessert for the rest of your life?

Hell yes! It's going to be hard to give up dessert for sure. But, giving up dessert is beneficial for me and saving the 1,000 kids from starvation.

Day 96: Relaxing Your Body

If you hiked to a remote beach and nearly everyone there were swimming nude, would you stay for a swim? If so, would you swim nude?
I would swim nude. It will be so many nude bodies on the beach, that I don't even care what people think of my body looks like.


How much do you like your body? If you awoke on a warm morning and were going to laze around by yourself, how long would it be before you looked in a mirror? If you sleep in the nude, how long before you put your clothes on?

I love my body. There are moments I feel like I failed it, however, my body doesn't give up on me. I look at myself in the reflection most of the time, especially when window shopping, I doesn't look at the item, I just notice my reflection. If I wake up from nude sleeping, I would finish showering then only put on my clothes. It takes about 30-60 minutes, include taking my time to shave, facial, etc.

Day 97: Overcome Addiction (Healing Binaural Beat Sounds)

Would you get a tattoo the size of a dinner plate if you knew it would somehow save the lives of a busload of innocent tourists who'd otherwise die? If so, what tattoo design and location would you select?

I would tattoo myself for sure, when I know there is life at stake. I would choose to tattoo Geometrical design of Earth on my left thigh.

Day 98: Touching Your Belly and Heart

How often do you step back and reflect on where you are headed? Would less or more self-reflection be good for you?
I reflect at least 3-5 times a week. More reflection is good for me, as I clear my intention, I get to know what to do better in relationships.


Do you have any specific long-term goals? If so, which is the most important, how do you hope to reach it, and how do you think reaching it will enhance your life?

I am building RM30,000 passive income monthly as my long term goal. I am hoping to reach it via Coaching business. Reaching this goal enhance not just my life quality, but my family's life as well. I also can use this money on helping someone in need spontaneously.

 

Day 99: Guided Meditation On The Breath
Would you use a drug that made you extraordinarily happy for 12 hours without any side effects? If not, why not? If so, what if it were addictive and you'd soon want to be happy all the time?
Not really. It is tiring to be happy for 12 hours straight. Even though there are no side effect, I would feel mentally exhausting too.

Would you ever use a happiness-producing drug that had one serious side effect: The next day you'd remember the wonderful feelings but not what had actually happened? Do you treasure any memories that are more about how you felt than what occurred?
I actually treasure my one-time experience getting high with mushroom. It is not that serious side effect, I just remember the wonderful feelings of appreciating nature.
Day 100: Be Still and Gaze Upon Everything Kindly
What did you think of these 100 Days of Mindfulness? How did it go for you? What did you like best? Least?
I like the best of daily journalling questions. It is interesting. However, I don't like the meditation. Sometimes, it is helpful. Sometimes, it is just off for me. So, I stopped using the meditating guidance from day 60+ onwards. 
 
I feel grateful that I have come into completion of 100 days mindfulness exercise. I enjoy sharing my tidbits of life experience and pondering questions into this community. Gillian has been a pillar for me to comeback and keep writing. Thank you for this space for me to practice my being as human.
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