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Gillian Sanger

Relationships and seeking happiness in a person or object

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I just wanted to share this video clip of Rupert Spira discussing the fear of rejection. Really powerful! I can really sense the societal conditioning within me that believes someone else can be the provider of my happiness. This is inspiring my next sitting meditation/mindful reflection - right now!

 

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Oh this is a good one.  I grew up being taught that life is to grow up, get a job, get married and have children until you die.  I was not presented with vacations or trips.  Nothing fancy for our life.  I wore my brothers hand me downs.  I wore the last bell- bottoms in the 70s at my school.  

Good will was our department store for clothing.  I never bought clothes from a department store until I was married in early 80s.  So when I got my job and got my money, I had tons of things I "wanted" because I could have it.  I had money.  Having kids and all the medical issues and confusion for the 30 years pretty much focused the investment into the kids.   Get them through school.

All these things to have.  I used to change my walls in my home for the season.  I would put spring things up and in the winter take them down and put winter pictures up.  (I am not sure why).  Because I could, I had money.  I never knew how to handle money.  The more I made the worse it was.  I had no clue except to pay bills and then hopefully eat. 

Now I eat first, have no bills and save the rest.  I am a terrible money handler.  I can go shopping at a store and in every isle see something that was needed and knew just where to put it.  Like everything in the store.  Doesn't mean I need it.  It was a long time before I finally began to ask myself is this a want or a need.  Such a waste, thinking buying things could replace the intimate, closeness I needed from my husband. 

He had no clue either how to spend money.  Wasn't listening to me and whenever I tried to partner up on finances it was a battle.  Neither of my sons can care for a checking account.  I had no idea. So now I still would rather have nothing.  I already went through selling everything, house and all belongings.  Less worries when there is nothing there.  I was not in a hurry to buy a car back.  I loved not having to put money into insurance, taxes, fixing, oil and tires. The upkeep was mind boggling to me.  

Sometimes I wish we would go back to the horse and buggy.  How about walking, what a concept.  Right?  

I did go through a time in my life where I thought happiness was having the right things in my house and the right look.  Perfectly clean.  Almost like a fancy hotel or something.  As if I was showing the house.  I love it being clean and shiny. (why?)  This was something I just decided as growing up.    

I do not need the latest new fad in appliances, gadgets or electronics. 

I feel much better as of the last 10 years.  After the divorce, working on myself and loving myself has brought back that worthiness I deserve.  That comfort in having what I need and not wanting more.   I am working on unattaching to "things" given to me by my mom and dad.    

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