A Short Story
Visit from an Old Friend …
By: LaRochelle Burger
I suddenly woke from a very deep sleep with sweat dripping from my brow, a shiver going up my spine, chest feeling tight and my breath racing with an unknown chill upon my bear skin giving me goosebumps all over, then this feeling of alertness pulsing through all of my senses and a readiness for anything possible. I slowly start to get up into a sitting position constantly scanning the room trying to find the source of my rude awakening however all i see is the moonlight playing shadow puppets on the room walls as my two dogs are still peacefully asleep snoring like chainsaws on the bed right here by my side. I don't feel fearful, worried or upset, not at all for any other time I woke up in similar situations I never felt safe or comfortable at all. This was different as i knew this feeling, it was so familiar to me yet i could not seem to place it, almost like a distant fading memory that was just a bit lost on the information highways in my brains ever running five hundred thoughts all at once and never ending. Then like a lightbulb moment there is only one being I know who without any doubt could provoke such a violent yet comforting reaction from me…
An old friend of mine that I haven't seen in awhile now that i think about it. I completely understand his absence and very few visits to me lately as he is a very famous, wait world renowned specialist in his field of expertise, the only specialist in his field and he really works 24/7 365 days a year non stop, never complaining not even once about this grueling constant work, work, work thing all the time.
If there is air running through your veins with a beating heart in your chest and a functioning brain I can certainly guarantee that your paths have crossed many times before. His introductions are never the same nor pleasant or appreciated in any way and his visits can differ from a brief moment to lasting for years and not once has he been wanted or welcomed at all by anyone. For most people view him as the bearer of bad news carrier of destruction and despair, too be honest there are very few whom evers been to see the good that he is and importance in what he does and only a blessed few can find a profound understanding and true meaningful purpose of his much dreaded visits which i can swear on my smokes he only makes with reason and cause no other time and then there is not even mentioning the great responsibility and great importance of what he does and the immense burden that it places upon him and his infallible commitment he has too his job and each one of us. I like many others has known him since my very first breath of air in this crazy and wonderful world and believe me when i say that i hated him with all i was inside out until the moment i came to realise that he has been saving my life in more ways than i could ever comprehend and more times than i will ever know of and in so many ways he became my driving force through the messed up times, my motivation to push forward too not stand still keep moving, he has been that inner voice that never allowed me to give up, no matter what he was always reminding to keep on fighting and not give in or up for nothing.
Let me tell you a bit more about this wonderful friend of mine and see if i can't help paint you a picture of this amazing friend i have… See he is not friendly or kind or gentle and has absolutely no sense of humour at all , none. Then discomfort and unpleasantness follows him around like a bad smell that just won't fade and yes he is known for having driven men of all parts of life to complete insanity. He will always leave you behind with an unforgettable reminder of each visit he made to you within your life. He is definitely not the kind of fellow one can just easily forget nor would he be so easy to ignore or be ignored at all. Many have spent their whole existence declaring and fighting wars against him yet he stays the victor everytime, not one battle lost in his lifetime. He is as old as time itself and has truly been around since the very beginning of creation. A real extreme force of nature at times that can not be avoided unless you're dead. The mere mention of his name has brought great men to their knees and for some even just the slightest thought of him causes a paralyzing fear within. He sounds absolutely horrible, i know however it is all true that i can assure you. No! I am not insane when i call him a friend or the way I see my eldest dearest and the best friend i will ever have.
I call him my friend for he is truly loyal and brutally honest with me at all times and has never just left me or betrayed me in my hour of need. I call him friend for the insight, understanding and strength he has always shared and freely given me. He is my friend for helping to open my mind to a world so amazing and wonderful, yet very few ever get to see as the darkness around it can be somewhat blinding to the majority. He is the greatest friend for showing and reminding me how precious life truly is and how wonderful and incredibly the human body was engineered and delicately pieced together and self maintaining and failsaves with every function imagenable. He is a true friend in his support and understanding of my beliefs in a Higher Power, a Creator of me who loves and protects me unconditionally always. When i start to doubt this in anyway he is the who helps me remember why i have this believe to begin with and helps me restore my faith once more, everytime no questions asked… for this i thank my God each day for this amazing and true friend He blessed me to find however unconventional and misunderstood he may be a blessing in disguise he truly is. In times of chaos and confusion, times of fear and untold darkness, pure evil, my friend has been my voice of reason and logic pulling me through getting me out and calming me down to great surprise as it at times even confuses me how reversed to the world i seem to experience him, this man of great mystery. He has never failed or left me in times of great distress and life threatening moments, like when my body falls in harm's way, he sticks with me to the end, helping and guiding me like a tracker of note not missing a beat to each place harmed and on the way diagnosing and indicating the areas that is most critical and needs most and immediate attention, then leading me to the areas less harmed that can still hold out abit and lastly the one’s i can self treat or my body can sort on its own until help arrives. With all this information he makes known to me I can then make an informed decision to move or stay put in waiting for reinforcements. While all may seem lost in confusion and my eyes feels like closing, he is the one keeping me awake keeping me breathing and never leaving my side even when finally safe he is still right there as i finally can allow myself to slip into a deep sleep so my body can continue in its own great battle still going on and when i finally start to slowly return to the world eyes heavy and sluggish opening my eyes my friend without fail is still right there next to me, always reassuring that i made it and that he shall not leave until im completely healed again.
My friend is one of the greatest teachers of life lessons and in some cases also played a part in my biggest mistakes made. Yet he has been one of my biggest motivation to keep moving forward whether im busy doing good or bad things he will be there in one of his many incredible ways and no matter what happens or the outcome he has never allowed me to give up on myself ever reminding me how i always walk away stronger and wiser, once more receiving the precious and most honorable gift of seeing the glorious sun rising again and the blessing of one more day of life.
My friend is a very serious and precise being with no room for error, not as messy as me which i think can make him secretly wanna cry at times, yet i understand his ways for one small mistake from him can lead to death, destruction and despair of millions with harsh and terrifying consequences left behind to be felt by all living things with no surety or guarantee of ever fully recovering or being restored.
Mistakes? That is it! My friend never makes mistakes nor does he ever visit without reason or cause. Wait, now i'm really confused as every cell in my body says that my old friend was definitely here for a visit yet there is absolutely no sign of his presence even near, not even a whisper. So why am I so sure that he was here on a visit? He is not the kind to pop in for coffee and a chat, just to check on how one is doing. This has never and will never happen as far as he is concerned. Then like a ton of bricks it hits me, the answer to my great mystery. My friend once told me about these kinds of visits he gets to make, his favorite and most fascinating amazing visits according to him.
As i was falling to sleep something must have triggered a memory that was still very vivid and strongly formed and made by my adrenaline overloaded senses at the time of the event which made it such a powerful memory that once i entered dream like state it started playing like a movie with real like animations that then activated certain nerves and senses deceiving my body in thinking that it is really experiencing those sensations again. This all led to my sudden rude awakening and the cause for my old friends very brief and unknown visit which ended the moment i woke.
A smile began forming as I started to once more think about my eldest, dearest and best friend and all the things good and bad, even ugly at times that we have shared and survived over the years. My friend's name is PAIN, yes you read correctly. Pain is my friend and I would not want it any other way, for without him I would have died a long time ago. This i know without any doubt that without pain i would never honestly be able to say “ I really lived!”. I wish i didn't miss the visit he got to make to me tonight as crazy as that might sound.
So without giving it a second thought i pinched myself just hard enough to get his attention for a quick visit, a visit yet brief it lasted just long enough for me to say
“Goodnight old friend”
“The Hardships in life are not there to hurt us, instead it is there to strengthen us, teach us, help us… The key in it all, is all about your Point of View.”
I will go look for A Path with Heart tonight and let you know what I have discovered. I must go feed my dogs now and quickly finish up for my NA Meeting tonight. It's currently my only other escape from the walls that isolated and smother me that I have with the outside world than my books. Keep well talk soon
You are both extremely appreciated right now. David I really thank you for sharing your insights with me and I can't thank you enough just for your kindness and friendly welcome. Today is one of those hard and soul crushing days in my house where kindness understanding and general respect is non existent sadly a dayly occurrence here however I know that I change not the world therefore I shall be grateful for the light I do see and receive and I seek to become that very light to others all in good time. I will definitely be giving it my all in the hope of finding the great serenity this offers. Gillian I am just as grateful for your guidance and kindness. I have also just unknowingly came to find this spiritual voice within that seemed to lead me to this site and searching other spiritual topics. I guess what really caught my eye was the self compassion part as I will be honest I struggle greatly with self love and compassion. I truly believe that something within me is guiding me towards this as I was always very much ignorant towards spiritual practice and hated religious practices. Thank you both from the bottom of my heart.
Good day David I hope you are well today. I'm new here and like a fish out of water what this whole process involves yet I love to learn and explore new horizons if you have any suggestions I would be deeply grateful.
Hi First of I would just like to thank you for getting back to me so quickly I truly appreciate it and thank you for being so kind and willing to assist. What I know about mindfulness is more or less the dictionary point and I would truly love to explore the topic in all its shapes and forms as I am a little uneducated in exactly all that it unfolds. I love reading writing and learning however I have a very busy non stop active mind that can drive me insane at times. I also have a tendency to be very negative towards myself and struggle to find silence within me. I know am not at all able to connect with the inner self and I would love to learn all their is about mindfulness and it's possibilities so that I may hopefully become a productive and positive member here aswell as in my daily life and with others around me Please any suggestions any advice you can give is deeply appreciated. Have a beautiful afternoon further
The Biggest Lie told in just One Word...
Just Some Poetry
I Saw You
I saw you, all of you
I saw you broken, wounded and bleeding
I saw you angry, confused and crying
I saw you hopeless, weak and lost
I saw you scared, un certain and scarred
I saw you struggling, stumbling and falling
I saw you, all of you
I saw you smiling, singing and silly
I saw you excited, creating and content
I saw you thinking, experiencing and discovering
I saw you start, endure and finish
I saw you willing, determent and proud
I saw you caring, kind and understanding
I saw you brave, courageous and strong
I saw you, all of you
I saw you in light, in dark and inbetween
I saw you good, bad and ugly
I saw you, all of you
And I still do..
Where is home? What is home?
Home is the one place i don't need an escape from
Home is safe, warm with no judgement, no nightmares
Home is where i can just be
Home has no fears, limits or expectations
Home is peaceful, calm and never rushed
Home is simplicity, sanity and solitude
Home holds memories, hopes and dreams
Home brings understanding, kindness and forgiveness
Home heals, fixes and guides
Home harbors no secrets, negativity nor lies
Home provides solution, answers and insight
Home allows for childlike faith, believe and trust
Home can not be found on any map
Nor be given by another
Home lies deep within the soul
Home is me and I am home
Watching you from across the room
Silent, content all on your own
Lost in the words you are writing
Deep dark soulful eyes and gentle smile
A glowing energy all around you
The way your lips form each songs lyrics as they play
The calmness on your face as you drift off in thought
The slow movement of your fingers across your neck
The clear enjoyment of your cigarette
The way you close your eyes, lift your chin
When the cool breeze moves across your skin
The patient understanding of your drink served abit late
The slight tilting of your head when something draws your attention
The subtle yet unmissable sway of your hips as you walk
Watching you from across the room
Consumed and mesmerized by your beauty
A beauty clearly unbeknown to yourself
How you draw me in, like a moth to a flame
Unaware of your magical pull
All the attention of the room focussed on you
How i wish that time could stand still
So i may spend it always in this moment
Just watching you from across the room
I Miss You
I miss you
In a million different ways
I miss your smile your inviting laugh
I miss your gentle yet firm touch
Your mysterious glance
I miss your childlike faith
You're unshakable believe
I miss your raw honesty
And all your crazy ideas
I miss your passion for life
Your voice singing out loud
I miss your understanding
Your caring kind nature
I miss your stubborn determination
Your will power to hold on
I miss you dancing in the rain
Your love for spending time watching the stars
I miss your fearless personality
Your gifft to find light in the darkest of moments
I miss watching you pray
The way you had long intense conversations with your God
I miss you every single day
A little more in every little way
I miss you, i miss you
In a million different ways.
Dedicated to my Grandfather
Good Morning too all members I am LaRochelle and I have in a way stumbled upon this site and well like the title says I feel lost in so many ways its not even funny. I hope to find some sort of insight upon the inner me. I have been through many things in my life and I am a recovering addict and well Drugs and anything else that could help me escape reality use too be what got me through my reality however the truth is nothing works and its all an illusion which cause more harm in the end. I struggle to connect with other people, I have no friends cant get nor maintain relationships and constantly feel alone even in a crowd. I have this constant instinct to be alert or a 24/7 survival mode which leaves no room for living. I am a very deep and passionate person who easily adapts to people and situations and I am constantly analyzing and seeking new ways of looking at situations and I am always willing to help another in need. I love reading and Writing on many different aspects of life as well as learning about anything possible and I have a pretty good sense of humor . Im also very stubborn however when i'm wrong I am the first to admit to my mistake or wrong doing and questioning how i may correct it and apologize. I guess i'm hoping in finding the true me within the broken pieces of pretending, avoiding, hiding and fear of the self. In this I also hope to find my true purpose in life as I dont believe that I am still alive just to die not having any real meaning to all I have lived through and the insight strength and heart I found in it all to be placed to good use in helping someone else. if nothing else and even in failing to find me i hope to maybe inspire or help another on their journey if i can.