Daniel A. Detwiler

I am glad you mentioned that caring acts aren’t always balanced. One person being Ill or having a busier schedule can change who does more of what. With caring regard and good communication things can work out. Showing each other appreciation helps us tremendously. I also want to say that I hope you are both well! Daniel

I have noticed over the holidays that one way I try to show love is to do chores without being asked. My wife cooks dinner and I do all the pots and pans, rinse the dishes , load and unload the dishwasher. I do the laundry and fold and put it all away. I always get a thank you which feels good. However, I like doing this chores myself. It feels quite fair. Our lives flow more easily because there is no “issue”. And on the rare days I am tired Of one of my tasks, I can let my wife know and she graciously goes ahead with the chore herself. I think this is one part of living a loving life which is my goal for this year. I have done the dishes already today and my wife cooked us lunch. It is such a simple arrangement but it works. And, I thank her for every meal she cooks. Daniel

My goal for 2022 is to express kindness to everyone. In my own family, I intend to kiss and hug my family members more. Those are my ways of bringing goodness to the world and my own family.

Hi Gillian, I am really glad to know you also have dogs! They do teach and call humans beyond themselves. The true meaning of relationship is deepened by caring for a dog. There warmth, physical and emotional, their love and faithfulness are inspiring, I will search out the Dog Songs book. Thanks for letting me know about it. Daniel

Thank you, Gillian for including those links to Mary Oliver's poems. I loved them. I have read a number of her poems but not those two. I also know that one of her dog's, her first one, I think, was a Bichon Frise. Over the last 34 years my wife, daughter, and I have had three of them. One a full Bichon, the second a Bichon/Maltese mix and the third a Bichon/Poodle mix. They are among the sweetest dogs on earth. No wonder she loved her dogs so much. Ours were all rescues and two of them put us through our paces as they recovered from a nonoptimal beginnings. They all blossomed with us. Our last one, Max, will be fourteen on the Ides of March. He and I are two older men aging together. He just cuddled closer as I am sitting on the bed typing this on my computer. All three have added such joy to our lives. I understand what her dogs meant to Maryl Oliver. Daniel

I just returned from a walk with my dog. The sky was pale blue. The Sun was shining. My dog's white coat shone in the brilliance of the light. My body was warm. The air was fresh. I felt total well being. I closed my eyes and stood there letting every second of that experience sink in and be celebrated. My dog stood just as still. I thought : this is being one with Now.. If it had been my last moment it would have been okay. Daniel A. Detwiler

Hi Gillian, Is there a way to send you a message that is private? I have a concern. Daniel A. Detwiler

Hi Judith, I read your message. I am very glad you felt relief at getting your thoughts out. I am glad you don’t think you will act on your ideation. I simply want to say that this relief you felt can lead to more relief if you would share more with someone you could talk to directly. I know that there are local and national hotlines to prevent suicide. You can call and talk to people who are well trained and caring who can help you. Perhaps talking by phone will allow you some privacy and still get you the assistance you want and need. There are counselors at local mental health centers who could help you as well. Personally I know that you can get the relief from depression and suicidal ideation that you are seeking. You could also consider talking to your doctor about how you are feeling. I hope any of these ideas are helpful to you. In my own experience in life, sharing how you feel with trained professionals has been really helpful. I hope you will do so. Daniel

Hi Gillian, I like the idea you describe of following our own inner compass regarding divisions. I agree that sometimes direct engagement is needed. Then, using what the author Robert Wright calls “cognitive empathy” is really required. That means asking yourself to try to understand the way of thinking about things that another person uses. If successful, it gives the listener a way to understand how that person forms their beliefs; a way to greater understanding. We will need compassion and patience and strength for this process as our own different thinking will likely arise and perhaps promote a desire to be defensive. If we can suffuse ourselves with love and show it in our own comments we might be able to share our own ideas. Not to “convert” anyone but to let others know we follow another path, our path, on these issues. It is my hope that this could possibly open their views to ours. Daniel

Hi Gillian, I read the article by Grossman and Choi and your comments about some of their findings. Overcoming the current divides is a difficult task as you and all the contributors to this thread acknowledge. I want to add that it is difficult to know how and when to try to bridge the divide and with whom. My wife and I live amidst a community of about 250 condominiums. Lots of us walk or walk with our dogs. I know from trusted neighbors that several other neighbors with whom I interact while walking are Fox News believers. Since they have never uttered a word about their beliefs to me I was shocked. They seem to be hardworking, responsible and friendly. Thus the two identities are not mutually exclusive. My response is to say the Loving Kindness prayer for them mentally after I walk away from an encounter. Plus I chat just a bit longer so as to show the good feelings I have about their basic worth. That is what I personally can do. I know that is not enough to overcome divisions but it is what is possible for me towards that end. Daniel

Hi Abby, I don't know if you will return to this thread. If you do, I would like to share some ideas with you. First, if your anxiety is really deep and constant, and if so, unbearable please speak with your physician. A full physical exam that includes assessment of cardiac function can be helpful as well. Sometimes cardiac conditions cause a kind of anxiety and when treated with cardiac medications, they subside. If it truly is psychosocial/emotional anxiety, anti-anxiety medication can calm you and allow you to acquire other ways to cope with underlying causes. Exercise might be one of the things that helps once the level of anxiety drops and then Psychotherapy/counseling and/or meditation might be part of the solution at that point. I am a former licensed clinical social worker and had a lot of success with patients who got anxiety and or depression to manageable levels and then were able to use the other forms of treatment to improve more. Daniel

Hi Gillian and everyone on this thread. I had been worrying and feeling burdened by the state of the planet and the blocks to progress here in the United States. I took stock and withdrew from the nightly newscasts and cable channels. I read a brief synopsis on the internet in the morning and that is it. I am "taking refuge" as advocated especially by Tara Brach. My refuge is in the Loving Kindness Meditation. To me it is a prayer and I pray it often throughout each day. My way of doing that is to address the words to "all that is". May all that is be filled with loving kindness. May all that is be safe and protected. May all that is be protected from inner and outer harm. May all that is be healthy. May all that is be happy. May all that is live with ease. I can't really describe the sense of relief it gives me to pray this prayer. I recognize it is my way of "doing something" about all the things I care about. I also have done my own version of RAIN. That has brought some real benefit. I have reappraised my life and relationships. I recognize now the good I did and do and where I failed/fail. I can now live better with both. When thinking of those who can't see getting a vaccination as a service to all others on planet earth, I say the loving kindness prayer. To Mitch McConnell and those others who oppose any good plan to promote equality and care in America, I say the loving kindness prayer. This is my refuge. I have worked on forgiving those who have caused me hurt or injury. I am making progress. Letting go of anger and hurt is not easy but brings out the energy I used to use to feel those feelings. I am following Rick Hanson's guidance to soak in the goodness I feel whenever I feel it. He encourages us to let it grow and expand and it is getting easier. That has led me to recognize and be filled with gratitude for everything good that has happened and is happening in my own life and the lives of others. I enjoy this focus on the good. For me, it is empowering and uplifting. I only spend time with friends who feel grateful as well. I try to share positivity with all those I encounter daily in public by greeting them warmly and wishing them a good day or helping in some simple way. Every simple act seems well received and doing them helps me. At this hour of my life, I have decided that this is what I can do to make life better. Daniel

I have mentioned in the past that I was a therapist for children and their parents. As such I kept abreast of the programming for children on television. Mr. Roger's neighborhood was one of those shows. I hope that other responders to Gillian's quote won't take offense if this former therapist says that when Mr. Rogers said " I like you just the way you are!" he spoke to the essence of the quote. He was saying that he loved, valued and affirmed the worth of every being in the context of all that made them up. Our task as adults is to do the same thing to and for ourselves. Continuing to unfurl the growth that keeps bursting forth if we permit it to do so. Daniel A. Detwiler

Hi Gillian, thank you for your kind response. It has been several days now since the conversation my neighbor and I had. We have talked every day. There is no rupture of this overall good and meaningful relationship. We really did just express and move on. I liked your comment about conversations while you worked on the farm in Costa Rica. There is something bigger than opinions in working with the earth and its' plants or flowers. That helps the speakers to keep perspective. My encounter is nothing like what I am going to mention next but it does involve the earth. It is said that the night Buddha spent under the Bodhi tree before his enlightenment he was tormented with doubts by the god Mara. Finally, Buddha drove his hand into the earth and told Mara that he swore by the earth itself that he had found the truth about existence. It is said when he swore by the earth itself, Mara realized he could not conquer Buddha with doubts and disappeared. Buddha was enlightened. A conversation with my good neighbor is not on this order. However, the earth itself and the soil and rocks that we can feel offer us something greater than we usually consider. Something larger and more profound. Daniel

I want to share an experience I had yesterday. My wife and I like and trust our single female neighbor. We do things like help each other with tasks, work our flower gardens which are adjoining and my wife has taken her for medical procedures. Yesterday, while she and I were both gardening a few feet apart we had a discussion of political ideas. She voted for Trump but did get vaccinated. Now, she is aghast of the unvaccinated saying "well Trump got vaccinated!". I just shared that in my own opinion, much of what he has said is not true. I went on to see that I am a true blue liberal and follow that way of thinking. She replied "to each his own". I agreed. A few minutes later she shared some negative thoughts about Latino immigrants. I calmly said "you don't sound very compassionate." She said "I call it as I see it." We both kept gardening. She asked me if the line of border stones she was putting in looked straight. I invited her further into my yard to get a better view (we don't have fences). She decided to redo her work a bit to make it straighter. I told her her work was turning out really well. She remarked that President Biden will be resigning soon because he is senile. She said she read that on the internet. I said to check her sources as I had not heard that and was pretty sure he would remain in office. We kept gardening. When I finished I wished her a good day and went to a side garden to weed and cut back flowers. She wished my wife a happy birthday. I told her I give my wife her greetings. This was the most honest exchange I have ever had with a person who has followed Trump in the past. We respect and like each other as neighbors. We never quit our joint task of gardening as we talked. She spoke her mind and I spoke mine. I was greatly relieved. She took it in stride and made her own points. For me in this longer relationship of neighbors and fellow gardeners this worked. Neither of us were angry but rather just truthful. This isn't a panacea. However, it was very real and being literally "grounded" in the earth while gardening which my neighbors and I all do, kept us very directly honest but did not hurt our relationship. For me, for us, this worked. Daniel