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Ali Zien

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  1. Hello ^_^ a little update: I had the courage to approach my family and tell them that I need a professional help as I am experiencing weekly episodes and cycles of intense joy (4-3 days of the week) followed by depression (not really depression but I think just laziness ) and sometimes my mind start creating silly stories about suicide. and they were very understanding and I am really grateful for their support and kindness ♥ my sister helped me finding a psychiatrist and I just had a session yesterday ! I had few expectations but they weren't met I told him about addiction,binge eating disorder and relapsing due to the cycle I mentioned before... **Bare in mind, I never met any psychiatrists before or any spiritual gurus in my entire life** my expectations wasn't met because I thought he is going to make me tell him about the entire story of my life and that my present situation is due to "mistakes" that did happen in the past.. but long story short; he said " You are stressed." to be honest I resisted and my ego was kinda offended (doesn't he know how that I meditate every day for an hour and that I am very positive person and I read X & Y book and I watched X or Y videos about mindfulness and meditation ) this is how my mind reacted. I told him no because I think I am very calm person, I meditate a lot and I am mostly happy and my life is a total bliss and 90% is greatly wonderful but only need to understand how I can accept and change the other 10%. after speaking for a little, he talked again about stressed, and I started feeling like something is wrong and this guy doesn't understand how "Mindful" and "Awaken" I am ( I only noticed those ego related thoughts after the session ). I told him no I am not stressed in a conscious way but maybe in a unconscious way like in the background and I am not aware of it.. after a while he started talking about stress and something clicked I just became aware that truly I am experiencing stress and this is why I tend to lean into these behaviors because they help my mind relax from all the resistance I offer to urges: binge eating helps me to feel relaxed and full this is why my mind repeats this habit and to change this habit I just simply need to nurture my brain and body with the things it needs. he described me an antidepressant medicine to keep me calm ,relaxed and to try for one month and to observe how things will go and I am really excited and grateful because it will help me to commit to my life and to my goals and also my diet so I can see the results I want. and lowkey I am excited because this medicine will help me being more present, calm and to reap more benefits from meditation ! on a fundamental level I believe it's the thinking mind creating all the suffering, I even recall sadhguru saying that "if we removed half of your brain you will be completely fine and happy" so I believe that easing the stress by medicating and meditating will solve any inconvenience. the moral of the story is: be present ^_^
  2. I apologize if my topic is not on the correct section. I was listening to a song by Sami yusuf and it was powerfully charged with a lot of emotions, but I never understood what it was saying as it was sung in turkish language. so today I found that someone added the translation on the video and wow I was truly amazed by the lyrics of the poem ! I am just amazed that such a man who lived in the 14th century was able to reach such knowledge and connection to his true essence. I won't speak a lot, just hear for yourself.
  3. I can't describe how ecstatic I am right now , just thinking about mindfulness and zazen makes me joyful because I've experienced the realm of utter love and absolute joy ♥ and I understand what you mean of being hungry whether it's fear of poverty or fear due to binge eating disorder.. I experienced both of them and I even did 4 days of water fasting and being present made it sooooooooooooooo easy ! sometimes I would feel like I am so hungry and have stomach growling and I would start acting like I can't go any further but just reminding myself to observe the wave.. ironically it subsides hahaha and all those urges of hunger are just a drama made by the mind (OMG I AM GOING TO DIE OF HUNGER SOMEBODY HELP ME ). Eckhart Tolle mentioned in his book that after a while you will start laughing at the voice of your mind just as you laugh at a child. Much love to you Leah and I would love if we could be friends, can we be "spiritual accountability friends" ?
  4. Hey Gillian, I really wanted to appreciate your kindness and the sincerity to help. 

    you truly have a heart of gold. Thank you ^_^

    1. Gillian Sanger

      Gillian Sanger

      My pleasure Ali! We all need one another 😊

  5. I feel your words sincerely and since I am in a good mood right now after I just got out of this stuck state which is horrible and sometimes repentance feels boring but the only reason we repent and try again because we felt the glimpses of ecstasy and happiness that comes with repentance and I am committed to get myself there no matter what ! I will keep trying over and over again !
  6. Hey Leah, I really appreciate your comment and it does work because I have read The power of now multiple times and tried to live a mindful life and did zazen but I stopped after being discouraged by a relapse... you just motivated me to try again to be make mindfulness practice the essence of all my actions. ---some insight---- I think the error resides in the belief that one day the urges will stop and I will be forever happy. waiting for some point in life where suffering will stop and I will stop all bad behaviors. but the idea is we need those urges to grow in every aspect as you have said (Trust that the Universe always brings what I need for my spiritual growth even though I perceive them as negative or bad.) being present will show me how to differentiate between LIFE and LIFE SITUATIONS, just situations to deal with or not without being imprisoned by urges or fear... the only fear that repeats when urges arise is that I won't be able to withstand or resist the urges for long and I will relapse eventually... ironically I was able to recover and stay sober for 7 months only to relapse after my father had a stroke. maybe I need to look at urges as a gift to make me mentally stronger !
  7. Hey Gillian ! I think I might consider buying one of kevin's book from Amazon.. do you recommend Recovering joy: A mindful life after addiction ? my purpose is to move past the point of relapsing and have a sense of commitment instead of just giving up to temptations or because of a slip... I am really depressed because I could have achieved a lot in my life and and I could have been in a totally different place but I kept making poor decisions.. I don't want to keep repeating this pattern.
  8. Hey @Gillian Sanger I truly appreciate your kindness, right now I can't afford a therapy session nor buying books ( I don't download PDF for legal reasons )... I think what happen to me is common, I guess most of us binge at late night or relapse to toxic habits.. I just want to stick to my diet and life plan...I want to stop ruining my life progress . I made this topic as I thought that mindfulness might help me observe urges and to at least have some sense of control instead of being driven by urges.
  9. Hello, I am so sorry for my long absence but I was going with cycles of high ecstasy and low suicidal depression . I would love to seek your wisdom on how to be mindful and present with unpleasant experiences that leads to relapsing to addiction, often when I experience boredom and emotional resistance or urges I would relapse back into toxic negative addictions, and I am sorry if this is inappropriate but for 10 years I've been addicted to adult movies and binge eating... for the last 5 years I've been trying to quit but there is a pattern that repeats every 5 ~ 10 days I would relapse again. I want to make a breakthrough in my life because there is amazing miracles happening right now but the pattern of relapsing is like a chain keeping me in mud.
  10. la (no) ilaha (God) illa (but) allah (Allah) I understand it's little bit hard to say that because you can't speak arabic.. Arabic is a very heavy language not hard but heavy.
  11. if you are interested to learn more:
  12. I am not really great at formatting topics in English but I hope this one does good. In Islam we have a term "Zikr" (Dhikr) in a sentence "Zikr Allah" which translates to remembrance of Allah (Allah is the arabic word of God, so put any mental labels away). Usually it was taught to be repeated throughout the day as it will bring you closer to God, but no one ever mentioned it as a way of being mindful... it was just a plain words we repeated for hours without any attention. before bed and after prayer (Salah) we would repeat 33 each: سبحان الله ( Glorified be Allah ) الحمدلله ( Praise be to Allah ) الله أكبر ( Allah is the greatest ) beside that, Islam literally means to surrender and the purpose of Islam is to surrender to the divine and to be one. so one thing I did learn from a Sufi scholar that whenever you feel stress or fear repeat (لا اله الا الله : There is no God but Allah ) to remind yourself that you worship Allah not life and you don't worship situations or circumstances and nothing can control your life but Allah. When prophet Muhammad came he destroyed the idols that was been worshiped in Mecca because this is the purpose of Islam as I've mentioned before, not to worship external nor internal mental idols but to worship the ultimate source of love and peace, to surrender to his will and not let anything beside him to stress or worry you. Allah says in the Quran: (Verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest)[Ar-Ra'd: 28]. I just had this insight and I thought it would be nice to share it with you ^_^
  13. I did describe this "not going my way" in a very self-humbling way "This movie has been in make for 15 billion years...who are you to demand how it should look like "... not to be rough to myself but to remind myself to be "living" and to enjoy the movie with presence and gratitude to the maker of it ^_^ I just had a similar experience but I wouldn't label it as frustration instead resistance, but I remember you telling me "It's okay be here" and I kept telling myself the same and reminding myself that it's not me thinking I am just observing. was little bit challenging to act righteously but thankfully the mind did settle after a while
  14. I wonder what is the origin of frustration ? is it fear of uncertainty ? Mostly I would experience frustration when I am studying or programming, which makes me little bit peeved because the mental image it creates of "dead end" or big wall you can't cross. feeling lost or not knowing what to do, can't understand a topic..etc I've journaled about it yesterday and by far I guess it has 2 reasons: 1- expectations for future, When you are not living life but rather wants to govern how things should look like in order for you to be happy then you deserve to suffer, telling the author how the movie should look like ? This movie has been in make for 15 billion years...who are you to demand how it should look like (This is me talking to myself in the journal, not offending anyone ^_^ ).. so for example, I expect to understand the topic from first or two tries. 2- The ego needs for perfection, denying it's ignorance and it is frustrated because the process of learning exposes this truth of how fragile and ignorant. what do you think would end frustration ? or to ease it and accept it as part of the learning process ?
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