This topic is improvised and not organized, I just wrote whatever came to my mind.
P.S: Hey Gillian ^_^ ♥
I've came so far thanks to the prayers of my beloved ones and to the angel sent by God to guide me through this journey.
Today I am celebrating my great milestone! I never imagined in my life I would come this far and if you have read my first topic you would know how miserable I was and I felt hopeless about any changes or to have the will to move past addiction and depression.
for the past 50 days I had few flaws, some days I broke my diet and some days I experienced deep grief and sobbed the entire day in despair, I had also two days where I dipped down and relapsed back to addiction, but the only thing I was committed to was 20 min of meditation everyday and if I wasn't overwhelmed by tiredness and busy schedule I practiced yoga everyday.
I feel like I've grown into something wiser and much more mature, I don't concern myself much now with wanting but with serving instead.
Today I was reading chapter ten of the power of now, the meaning of surrender, and I did notice that during this journey I didn't let my ego have any expectations of what it should be like:
" I must lose this amount of weight in 2 months"
"I must make no mistakes at all"
"I must wake up everyday at 4 am and be productive"
"I must only eat healthy food"
I started to practice "Non judgement" and "Self-compassion", just two days ago I was binge eating on pizza and cakes, but I didn't consider it as a "failure", just kept going and went with the flow of life instead of resisting. at one day I got really overwhelmed by grief and instead of telling myself "I must work today and do that or that" I just went back to bed and started sobbing the entire day and barely did anything and I am proud of myself for doing that.
at some days I've dropped my guard down and enjoyed some pizza with family, later my ego would scold me for doing that "WE WON'T LOSE WEIGHT" and other ego drama stories, but I just shut this voice and I tell him "go pound sand".
one of the most important lessons I did learn is to limit compassion with wisdom, sometimes I would take responsibility for others' suffering and I would sacrifice my own happiness and comfort to please them, but came this person who played a dirty trick that taught me this lesson that I should prioritize myself first and to be compassionate with myself.
also other aspect is to be compassionate toward myself that there are things I can't do or control, I can't expect myself to work hard everyday and I can't expect myself to feel happy all the time, but to apply wisdom is to set a minimum amount of effort not to fall beyond it.
last thing I started to appreciate it's value is listening and silence, yesterday my sister started to vent about all her life situations and in the beginning I started to point to her some flaws and negative beliefs in her speech I saw that she started to get bothered by me interrupting her and also she didn't appreciate my advices, so I started to practice bringing presence to dissolve her pain body by listening and "helping her relieve her suffering", at final, I did discover that she didn't actually have any problems at all but she just wanted someone to listen to her and to release this built up negativity, in the end I just told her very simple words and she appreciated them so much and felt so much joy. also I found so much peace in not being driven by the incessant urge to share my opinion and to speak, also ironically I was at my English club and the instructor asked a question: "What does dread mean ?", I answered: "Heavy feeling", he said "No, it means heavy fear".
instead of being bothered by him not giving me appreciation or credits, I just said "I guess they are the same" and shrugged.
I started to enjoy not being like Hermione and to give others space to speak and answer questions, fortunately I know all the answers but I just like to be compassionate and let others enjoy learning